12:16am April 17th 2019
Im back in therapy. My new therapist wants me to do this "Self-esteem journal". I dont know. It feels... odd. Im supposed to write about good things like things i accomplish each day. But i always end up following it up with a but...
I forgot to do Monday. I need to only write positives but i might write these journals here so i can fully write what i want to say.
For Tues day the prompts are:
-Today i accomplished... We moved a lot of plants at the garden getting ready for plant sale this week. I didnt really take a break but i dont think i was working that hard either. I mopped the floors in the office and i drove around the garden for a bit. While moving the plants i carried about 2 or 3 plants at a time cause carrying 4 plants in my fingers hurts and im scared ill drop them. But Maria carried 3 or 4 plants every time. I think once or twice she managed to carry 5. I stopped for a minuet after unloading one lode of plants. There was only about 30 minuets left in the day and i had to text Jude about Bedcat (something ill talk about later) so i was sitting on the gator for a few minuets. Peggy was talking to Marry and counting plants i figured i could take a few minuets to chill. But Maria kinda muttered that we could go get another load of plants. She never stops working. I kind of admire it. But mostly i think im jealous. She has a really strong work ethic and shes far better suited for my job than i am. She knows the names of the plants. She knows what conditions they do well in. She never takes breaks and works diligently. I know shes better than me. A small part of me kinda misses her when shes not at the garden but most of me kinda treasures it. I feel like shes competition even if shes not technically. With Peggy were both kinda lazy and avoid working hard. But at least Peggy knows about plants.
The only other things i accomplished today were convincingly lying to Jude and my dad. I told Jude that Bedcat had run off becuase i dont want to give bedcat back to her. I told my dad i was going to my ASL class and instead Kristen and I went to Barns & Noble and to Red Bowl. I dont care about my classes to be honest. Im not gonna continue college. I think ill just start working full time. I wanna move out within a year or so if i can. I honestly just cant be bothered with college. Its boring and i dont have the motivation to write papers and do homework. I only need to pass my classes so that i dont get a super low GPA or something since i think its to late to drop my classes. If im not wrong, this is our last month in this class anyway.
I know that lying to Jude makes me a really bad person.
-I had a positive experiance with... Skipping class and going to Barns & Noble and dinner with Kristen. It was nice to read a manga and be intrested in it. idk. I didnt even feel bad about skipping. Or lying to my dad. or to my teacher. Last week Kristen and I left class early and i told the teacher my dad was in a car accident and i needed to leave to go pick up my little brother. So i emailed her and said that this week i wouldnt be able to make it cause my dads jeep was in the shop and he had my car to go to work. I said i couldnt get a ride cause Kristen was sick. Maybe im a bad person. I know im selfish. I know im a liar. I know im a piece of shit.
-Something i did for someone... nothing. i dont think i did anything for anyone except myself today. Seems like me.
I forgot to do Monday. I need to only write positives but i might write these journals here so i can fully write what i want to say.
For Tues day the prompts are:
-Today i accomplished... We moved a lot of plants at the garden getting ready for plant sale this week. I didnt really take a break but i dont think i was working that hard either. I mopped the floors in the office and i drove around the garden for a bit. While moving the plants i carried about 2 or 3 plants at a time cause carrying 4 plants in my fingers hurts and im scared ill drop them. But Maria carried 3 or 4 plants every time. I think once or twice she managed to carry 5. I stopped for a minuet after unloading one lode of plants. There was only about 30 minuets left in the day and i had to text Jude about Bedcat (something ill talk about later) so i was sitting on the gator for a few minuets. Peggy was talking to Marry and counting plants i figured i could take a few minuets to chill. But Maria kinda muttered that we could go get another load of plants. She never stops working. I kind of admire it. But mostly i think im jealous. She has a really strong work ethic and shes far better suited for my job than i am. She knows the names of the plants. She knows what conditions they do well in. She never takes breaks and works diligently. I know shes better than me. A small part of me kinda misses her when shes not at the garden but most of me kinda treasures it. I feel like shes competition even if shes not technically. With Peggy were both kinda lazy and avoid working hard. But at least Peggy knows about plants.
The only other things i accomplished today were convincingly lying to Jude and my dad. I told Jude that Bedcat had run off becuase i dont want to give bedcat back to her. I told my dad i was going to my ASL class and instead Kristen and I went to Barns & Noble and to Red Bowl. I dont care about my classes to be honest. Im not gonna continue college. I think ill just start working full time. I wanna move out within a year or so if i can. I honestly just cant be bothered with college. Its boring and i dont have the motivation to write papers and do homework. I only need to pass my classes so that i dont get a super low GPA or something since i think its to late to drop my classes. If im not wrong, this is our last month in this class anyway.
I know that lying to Jude makes me a really bad person.
-I had a positive experiance with... Skipping class and going to Barns & Noble and dinner with Kristen. It was nice to read a manga and be intrested in it. idk. I didnt even feel bad about skipping. Or lying to my dad. or to my teacher. Last week Kristen and I left class early and i told the teacher my dad was in a car accident and i needed to leave to go pick up my little brother. So i emailed her and said that this week i wouldnt be able to make it cause my dads jeep was in the shop and he had my car to go to work. I said i couldnt get a ride cause Kristen was sick. Maybe im a bad person. I know im selfish. I know im a liar. I know im a piece of shit.
-Something i did for someone... nothing. i dont think i did anything for anyone except myself today. Seems like me.
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