10:55pm December 18th 2018
I didn't expect to make two posts today but id rather not look vulnerable on Facebook.
It really doesnt feel like Christmas is a week away. for a little bit i thought i was only like 5 days.
I still have a lot to do i guess thats why i procrastinated for so long... didn't feel like it would be here so fast.
I need to check my email and go sit down and talk with my adviser about next semesters classes too.
My dad rigged some thing to start shouting at 930am so im not looking forward to waking up to a heart attack tomorrow.
I wanna talk about what i wanted to talk about on Facebook but stopped myself. Since thats why im posting here a second time.
I feel like everything is different now. I long for some since of familiarity but im so scared that if i get it ill break down.
My family home that i grew up in is gone. I never see my mom. I have a job and im terrified to lose it. I feel like im not really a part of my moms family like i just have a title there.
Its almost christmas and i haven't listened to a single Christmas song or watched one Christmas movie.
i remember getting to stay up late when chritmas classics would come on tv when my brother and i were little. I remember singing christmas carols in the car.
It all feels so far away. It feels like that wasent me. I feel completely dissociated from myself.
I feel like a husk. Empty.
Im a bad employ cause im late all the time and i have poor work ethic
Im a bad daughter cause i let my parents down constantly and i cant live up to their expectations.
Im a bad granddaughter cause i dont call or text my grandparents and i dont put in any effort to see them
Im a bad friend cause i dont keep my word, im clingy and annoying, im manipulative, i talk a lot of shit, and im hypocritical.
I dont even have any other titles to be bad at... and i hate the idea that if i died i would be praised by any of those titles.
maybe when i die people can see this. even then i hope that they cant.
It really doesnt feel like Christmas is a week away. for a little bit i thought i was only like 5 days.
I still have a lot to do i guess thats why i procrastinated for so long... didn't feel like it would be here so fast.
I need to check my email and go sit down and talk with my adviser about next semesters classes too.
My dad rigged some thing to start shouting at 930am so im not looking forward to waking up to a heart attack tomorrow.
I wanna talk about what i wanted to talk about on Facebook but stopped myself. Since thats why im posting here a second time.
I feel like everything is different now. I long for some since of familiarity but im so scared that if i get it ill break down.
My family home that i grew up in is gone. I never see my mom. I have a job and im terrified to lose it. I feel like im not really a part of my moms family like i just have a title there.
Its almost christmas and i haven't listened to a single Christmas song or watched one Christmas movie.
i remember getting to stay up late when chritmas classics would come on tv when my brother and i were little. I remember singing christmas carols in the car.
It all feels so far away. It feels like that wasent me. I feel completely dissociated from myself.
I feel like a husk. Empty.
Im a bad employ cause im late all the time and i have poor work ethic
Im a bad daughter cause i let my parents down constantly and i cant live up to their expectations.
Im a bad granddaughter cause i dont call or text my grandparents and i dont put in any effort to see them
Im a bad friend cause i dont keep my word, im clingy and annoying, im manipulative, i talk a lot of shit, and im hypocritical.
I dont even have any other titles to be bad at... and i hate the idea that if i died i would be praised by any of those titles.
maybe when i die people can see this. even then i hope that they cant.
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