11:28 January 21st 2019
I saw Kristen today.
I went to work and worked in the below freezing hellish temperatures for four hours before coming home and going to get lunch with my dad.
When we got home Kristen got here. We worked on some school stuff and watched some youtube and facebook videos before going to get dinner with my dad at the mexican restaurant. Kat met us there.
There was this odd tension when Kristen got here. I could FEEL something was wrong. All my anxiety that is was ME she was upset with kicked in. All the vague unenthusiastic texts. The lack of enthusiasm in hangout out or doing things. But we talked a little and i think shes under a lot of stress with work and school and then theres her grandma whos sick. Kristen says shes not getting better either. I know thats hard with how close kristen is to her family members.
But things did still seem.... awkward.
Im always scared that she knows about my Vent account and sees what i post there.
And recently i posted some things mad at her for being obsessed with Logan.
And i feel really bad. I dont wanna mention them because if she DOSENT she may get angry.
And i know she wont bring it up or she would have and i think that she knows i would be upset that she was following that with out me knowing.
But i know that she knows about my vent.
and im scared as hell that she follows it.
maybe i should keep all of that here.....
i really want to tell her thats its just because im uncomfortable around couples. i wanna ask her if ive done anything to upset her. Im sure i have. I have done things to i just dont know if she knows about them. I deserve for people to be mad at me. Ive always been a bad friend and i will continue to be.
i will always bite the hand that feeds me until i stop being fed. constantly blaming the hand for me biting it. crying when it leaves.
there was a man on the radio tonight talking about loving other people. he referred to it like being happy for other people being happy. Doing whatever it takes for the other person to be happy. Then he said there are selfish people.
Im a selfish person. Theres no denying that. I become angry when people find happiness in things i dont like. I become upset at the people that are the closest to me when they find a significant other. When they do drugs and drink. Becuase i cant. Becuase im jealous of them.
I cant smoke pot because i still live with my dad. I cant drink because im underage and dont have a place to go to drink illegally. I dont even like alcohol. I cant find a significant other because no one can love me once they know me. The quote "To know someone more is to love someone less" is the motto to my life. I hate it.
Maybe no one can love me. But i know i cant love anyone. I cant care for people. I cant be happy for other people being happy.
Im selfish.
Im a bad friend.
Im a bad daughter.
Im lazy.
Im a slob.
Im a mooch.
Im a disappointment.
Im a failure.
Im a mistake.
Im a waste of time and energy.
Im probably better off dead.
Im a bad owner.
Im irresponsible.
Im unreliable.
Im pathetic.
Im disgusting.
Im weird.
Im a loser.
Im a bad person.
Im nonredeemable.
Im manipulative.
Im whiny.
Im annoying.
Im sorry...
I went to work and worked in the below freezing hellish temperatures for four hours before coming home and going to get lunch with my dad.
When we got home Kristen got here. We worked on some school stuff and watched some youtube and facebook videos before going to get dinner with my dad at the mexican restaurant. Kat met us there.
There was this odd tension when Kristen got here. I could FEEL something was wrong. All my anxiety that is was ME she was upset with kicked in. All the vague unenthusiastic texts. The lack of enthusiasm in hangout out or doing things. But we talked a little and i think shes under a lot of stress with work and school and then theres her grandma whos sick. Kristen says shes not getting better either. I know thats hard with how close kristen is to her family members.
But things did still seem.... awkward.
Im always scared that she knows about my Vent account and sees what i post there.
And recently i posted some things mad at her for being obsessed with Logan.
And i feel really bad. I dont wanna mention them because if she DOSENT she may get angry.
And i know she wont bring it up or she would have and i think that she knows i would be upset that she was following that with out me knowing.
But i know that she knows about my vent.
and im scared as hell that she follows it.
maybe i should keep all of that here.....
i really want to tell her thats its just because im uncomfortable around couples. i wanna ask her if ive done anything to upset her. Im sure i have. I have done things to i just dont know if she knows about them. I deserve for people to be mad at me. Ive always been a bad friend and i will continue to be.
i will always bite the hand that feeds me until i stop being fed. constantly blaming the hand for me biting it. crying when it leaves.
there was a man on the radio tonight talking about loving other people. he referred to it like being happy for other people being happy. Doing whatever it takes for the other person to be happy. Then he said there are selfish people.
Im a selfish person. Theres no denying that. I become angry when people find happiness in things i dont like. I become upset at the people that are the closest to me when they find a significant other. When they do drugs and drink. Becuase i cant. Becuase im jealous of them.
I cant smoke pot because i still live with my dad. I cant drink because im underage and dont have a place to go to drink illegally. I dont even like alcohol. I cant find a significant other because no one can love me once they know me. The quote "To know someone more is to love someone less" is the motto to my life. I hate it.
Maybe no one can love me. But i know i cant love anyone. I cant care for people. I cant be happy for other people being happy.
Im selfish.
Im a bad friend.
Im a bad daughter.
Im lazy.
Im a slob.
Im a mooch.
Im a disappointment.
Im a failure.
Im a mistake.
Im a waste of time and energy.
Im probably better off dead.
Im a bad owner.
Im irresponsible.
Im unreliable.
Im pathetic.
Im disgusting.
Im weird.
Im a loser.
Im a bad person.
Im nonredeemable.
Im manipulative.
Im whiny.
Im annoying.
Im sorry...
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