4:07pm March 26th 2019
New hyperfixation. Am i even diagnosed with adhd? my mom told me i got diagnosed with it when i was younger. Could i get diagnosed. At least find out if i still have it? I know hyperfixations are a symptom. I keep talking about having hyperfixations. I think thats what they are. I become a fan of something and it pushes past "casual fan". I die to talk to people about whatever show or movie or book im fixated on at the time. I can control it. I know some if not most people have no interest in the thing but i i find someone who is or might be i feel like im begging to talk to them about it. wanting to share jokes and references with them. I wanna show other people the thing. I enjoy it and it makes me happy most of the time and i want to share it with them. Cassie always shot down anything like that i tried to show her. She hated everything i liked. It didnt matter what it was. I think she did it just to spite me. She thinks were cool. I fucking hate her sometimes. She was a horrible friend. Fucking cunt.
Im going to the doctor Thursday. Vocal Rehab is sending me back to Carolina Wellness witch makes me anxious. I know that they are going to ask if i ever think about hurting myself. Im gonna have to say yes i just need to find out a way to say yes without getting sent to the hospital again. I cant ask my therapist about it cause i dont go see her till Friday. I just wanna get back on medication. I feel like a fucking dumb ass when thinking about medication thought. Why the hell do i need to take meds to be happy in life? I dont have a bad life. I live alone with my dad. I have a fairly good relationship with all of my family members. I have good friends that care about me. I have a job that i dont even deserve. Everything that i consider wrong or bad is because of me. Why cant I just change?
Or leave...
I wanna leave. I dont think i wanna die... I think i just wanna... take off. go somewhere ive never been. Maybe im running from something. I think im running from myself. My therapist said i cant run from myself. But i think i can run from who i was. I think im still that person right now. I hate that person. they are mean to people. They are a bad friend. They left people and hurt people because of their own insecurities and self hate. I hate them. I hate me.
I talk about wanting to love myself so much that i can love everyone else like that. But then i let myself sit and think and i realize how fucking foul i think i am and how given the opportunity to split myself in two and experience both experiences. I would beat myself to a bloody pulp. I wouldn't stop beating myself until i laid in front of me as dead and disgusting as i feel. And i would just look at myself. I would stare at my body. And i would think 'good. its what i deserve.'
I dont wanna do college any more. I wanna get in my car in leave.
I dont wanna go to class tonight. ASL is fine. Teahcer is kinda strict and annoying but over all fine i suppose. Not the best teacher ive ever had but she hasent sent me into numerous panic attacks or had me in a mental position that was leading me down a path to killing myself if i dont pass her class so shes not the worst teacher that ive ever had either. The class is three hours long though. And im exhausted. I dont know why im so tired. I dont really do anything. I dont do a lot of manual labor. even the old women volunteers just think im a lazy gen z kid. I am lazy though so it would be justified if they new me enough to say im lazy. but they just assume im lazy cause im young. so it annoys me.
I think im so tired cause im depressed. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like sleeping for a few weeks. I feel like stopping breathing.
I think i mostly just feel like taking a nap until i need to leave for class. Cant do that though. I wont wake up.
Im going to the doctor Thursday. Vocal Rehab is sending me back to Carolina Wellness witch makes me anxious. I know that they are going to ask if i ever think about hurting myself. Im gonna have to say yes i just need to find out a way to say yes without getting sent to the hospital again. I cant ask my therapist about it cause i dont go see her till Friday. I just wanna get back on medication. I feel like a fucking dumb ass when thinking about medication thought. Why the hell do i need to take meds to be happy in life? I dont have a bad life. I live alone with my dad. I have a fairly good relationship with all of my family members. I have good friends that care about me. I have a job that i dont even deserve. Everything that i consider wrong or bad is because of me. Why cant I just change?
Or leave...
I wanna leave. I dont think i wanna die... I think i just wanna... take off. go somewhere ive never been. Maybe im running from something. I think im running from myself. My therapist said i cant run from myself. But i think i can run from who i was. I think im still that person right now. I hate that person. they are mean to people. They are a bad friend. They left people and hurt people because of their own insecurities and self hate. I hate them. I hate me.
I talk about wanting to love myself so much that i can love everyone else like that. But then i let myself sit and think and i realize how fucking foul i think i am and how given the opportunity to split myself in two and experience both experiences. I would beat myself to a bloody pulp. I wouldn't stop beating myself until i laid in front of me as dead and disgusting as i feel. And i would just look at myself. I would stare at my body. And i would think 'good. its what i deserve.'
I dont wanna do college any more. I wanna get in my car in leave.
I dont wanna go to class tonight. ASL is fine. Teahcer is kinda strict and annoying but over all fine i suppose. Not the best teacher ive ever had but she hasent sent me into numerous panic attacks or had me in a mental position that was leading me down a path to killing myself if i dont pass her class so shes not the worst teacher that ive ever had either. The class is three hours long though. And im exhausted. I dont know why im so tired. I dont really do anything. I dont do a lot of manual labor. even the old women volunteers just think im a lazy gen z kid. I am lazy though so it would be justified if they new me enough to say im lazy. but they just assume im lazy cause im young. so it annoys me.
I think im so tired cause im depressed. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like sleeping for a few weeks. I feel like stopping breathing.
I think i mostly just feel like taking a nap until i need to leave for class. Cant do that though. I wont wake up.
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