9:06pm February 3rd 2019

I went to get lunch with Ashton.
I took my brother and his friend to Charlotte and took Zoe with me.
I wanted to talk about my brain. I wanted to unload about wanting to die.
I really want to die.
I dont want to go to hell.
Ashton walked across the street. I ran.
I said i didnt want him to get hit by a car and he said one of us was apathetic towards life and the other had a death wish.
I have a death wish.
I have a death wish.
I have a death wish.

My brain refuses to let me take care of myself. I dont deserve to eat. I dont deserve to sleep. I hate everything about myself.
Im lazy.
Im disgusting.
Im stubborn.
Im selfish.
Im a failure.
Im a disappointment.

I should have failed seinior year.
I should have killed myself then.

Went to the old abandoned factory. They've boarded up the doors. There were cops around.
I dont think i could break in and make it to the top before a cop showed up.
Its to close to the police. It would be a good place to jump from.
5 stories tall could probably do the job.
I wish there were taller buildings.
Jumping somewhere close to the cops would let me get found pretty quick. Body wouldn't have enough time to rot before i could get a nice funeral for my friends and family.
I shouldnt be making plans like this. Ill never carry through with them. 
I wish that i would.
Im to scared of hell.