4:11pm December 26th 2018
I should sleep but its not like i can sleep through the siren anyways...
I hate being off my medicine. I miss feeling like my brain was a brain.
It just feels like mush that someone walked through.
Fuck.
Ive been running on a couple hours of sleep at a time.
Cant do this.
I feel so fucking drained.
I feel empty. Like im already dead. My body just hasent taken the hint yet.
I feel like im losing everything.
I feel like i just feel titles. I dont belong here.
I probably do and im just being a gross edgy 19 year old but whatever.
Dosent feel like it right now.
Im hurting myself and thats bad.
Like cutting and junk im not actively trying to kill myself. Didnt know i had to clarify that to doctors. Wish i did so i wouldnt have stopped my stupid fucking meds and ignored all the emails.
I think im pissed at myself for that.
I dont wanna give up familiarity. I miss my grandma and grandpas old house even if they dont.
I miss playing in the leaf piles and in the play room and "sneaking" downstairs with my little brother.
I miss my mamas house. I miss going in papa's garage and all the neat stuff.
I miss my mimi and papies house. I miss playing n the play room in the garage with Maddy. I miss breaking in after school with Cassue to eat food. I miss staying over there and staying up late to watch tv shows we didnt have at our house.
I miss highschool and the simplicity of getting classes and spending time with friends.
I miss Aladdin and Alando. Cassie. Miles. Luis.
I miss when Christmas felt fun and exciting and magical instead of feeling like emotional baggage.
Not that this year wasent nice. It just felt tired. And i felt tired.
I want to pack up and leave again. Im starting to think ill always feel like running away from what im scared to lose. That sounds gross but im feeling gross and this bolg is for the gross shit.
fuck the gross shit.
I hate being off my medicine. I miss feeling like my brain was a brain.
It just feels like mush that someone walked through.
Fuck.
Ive been running on a couple hours of sleep at a time.
Cant do this.
I feel so fucking drained.
I feel empty. Like im already dead. My body just hasent taken the hint yet.
I feel like im losing everything.
I feel like i just feel titles. I dont belong here.
I probably do and im just being a gross edgy 19 year old but whatever.
Dosent feel like it right now.
Im hurting myself and thats bad.
Like cutting and junk im not actively trying to kill myself. Didnt know i had to clarify that to doctors. Wish i did so i wouldnt have stopped my stupid fucking meds and ignored all the emails.
I think im pissed at myself for that.
I dont wanna give up familiarity. I miss my grandma and grandpas old house even if they dont.
I miss playing in the leaf piles and in the play room and "sneaking" downstairs with my little brother.
I miss my mamas house. I miss going in papa's garage and all the neat stuff.
I miss my mimi and papies house. I miss playing n the play room in the garage with Maddy. I miss breaking in after school with Cassue to eat food. I miss staying over there and staying up late to watch tv shows we didnt have at our house.
I miss highschool and the simplicity of getting classes and spending time with friends.
I miss Aladdin and Alando. Cassie. Miles. Luis.
I miss when Christmas felt fun and exciting and magical instead of feeling like emotional baggage.
Not that this year wasent nice. It just felt tired. And i felt tired.
I want to pack up and leave again. Im starting to think ill always feel like running away from what im scared to lose. That sounds gross but im feeling gross and this bolg is for the gross shit.
fuck the gross shit.
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