12:00am January 10th 2019
Please dont give my desktop a virus (assuming this is the sight that gave my lap top one). knock on wood.
I keep thinking about getting sent to the hospital. I really want to die right now but i know i wont do anything. Im to much of a coward i think. I think i wish i wasent. I keep having these bad fantasies about over dosing and someone calling the ambulance and them showing up and me having to stay in that stupid institution. or ending up in the hospital and i wake up and someones there like "youre awake!" its kinda morbid at times. ill lay in bed and just hold my breath and let my body go as limp as possible to just try and grab a glimpse of being dead. I feel dead on the inside already. All thats left is for my stupid fucking organs to take the hint and quit functioning. the only place for me is rotting in the woods behind a fast food restaurant to be eaten by the wild animals and birds.
I use the term Muck Brain. Thats what ive got. a nasty case of muck brain. its what i have. its what i am. my brain is just a gross pile of mush. there is nothing of value there.
I think that every depressed person needs a needy cat cause i was gonna hurt myself tonight and i didnt get past a few scratches cause Bed wouldnt leave me the hell alone. He kept walking across my legs and purring and rubbing against me. I dont want to give him up. Jude would have to kill me to take him back. Or maybe she wouldnt. Maybe i would feel guilty. Feel like he's still her cat or something. Maybe id just give him back. I dont think she deserves him. I dont think shes good for him. But where i think im good for him i dont think i deserve him. He's to good and kind. She used to say things like "you need to force him to let you hold him" and i just wouldnt do that. i didnt like that idea. If he wasent comfortable, if he didnt want to, then he didnt have to. So we gave him access to food and water and he stayed under the bed until he decided to hang out in the rest of the house. and he saw that June likes us so he slowly started giving us a try. and caution turned to comfort over a long period of convincing Bedcat that my dad and i were safe okay people who just wanted to pet him and love him and that nothing bad would happen to him here. He dosent like to be held. Ive learned that over time. He might let you pick him up and cary him but he dosent want to be held. so i dont hold him. i might cary him to the living room or move him off of or away from something but i dont hold him. I wouldnt force him to let me hold him. I dont think Jude was good for him. He's very anxious. fast movement and loud noise freaks him out. Hes a very calm and mellow cat. I dont think Jude knows how to read anyone at all.
Im angry that my mom bought my brother a brand new iphone way back when he wasent even supposed to have one and i still have an almost 3 year old phone that isnt even working properly. but thats just another thing to be petty about.
my laptop has a virus. tons of things crash, lag, and run slow on my mac. and my phone wont load any pictures that werent taken or saved that day.
Andrew stopped by last night when i said i was feeling depressed. I think we all try to help others in the way that we would want to be helped. I try to help by talking to them online and just listening. Giving very minimal help and just being someone to vent to and to validate your emotions cause thats what i want. When im feeling sad i just kinda want someone to listen and give words of encouragement. "yeah i know that sucks but i promise its gonna be okay." but i almost always wanna do that online. I dont mind in person physical comfort but i open up more and vent better over text.
Andrew, i think, wants someone to be there in person to sit with him. That why i think he showed up to my house at 1am to give me a hug and sit with me till 2. i appreciated the thought but i always feel embarrassed and try to stop my emotions when someone is there.
I keep thinking about getting sent to the hospital. I really want to die right now but i know i wont do anything. Im to much of a coward i think. I think i wish i wasent. I keep having these bad fantasies about over dosing and someone calling the ambulance and them showing up and me having to stay in that stupid institution. or ending up in the hospital and i wake up and someones there like "youre awake!" its kinda morbid at times. ill lay in bed and just hold my breath and let my body go as limp as possible to just try and grab a glimpse of being dead. I feel dead on the inside already. All thats left is for my stupid fucking organs to take the hint and quit functioning. the only place for me is rotting in the woods behind a fast food restaurant to be eaten by the wild animals and birds.
I use the term Muck Brain. Thats what ive got. a nasty case of muck brain. its what i have. its what i am. my brain is just a gross pile of mush. there is nothing of value there.
I think that every depressed person needs a needy cat cause i was gonna hurt myself tonight and i didnt get past a few scratches cause Bed wouldnt leave me the hell alone. He kept walking across my legs and purring and rubbing against me. I dont want to give him up. Jude would have to kill me to take him back. Or maybe she wouldnt. Maybe i would feel guilty. Feel like he's still her cat or something. Maybe id just give him back. I dont think she deserves him. I dont think shes good for him. But where i think im good for him i dont think i deserve him. He's to good and kind. She used to say things like "you need to force him to let you hold him" and i just wouldnt do that. i didnt like that idea. If he wasent comfortable, if he didnt want to, then he didnt have to. So we gave him access to food and water and he stayed under the bed until he decided to hang out in the rest of the house. and he saw that June likes us so he slowly started giving us a try. and caution turned to comfort over a long period of convincing Bedcat that my dad and i were safe okay people who just wanted to pet him and love him and that nothing bad would happen to him here. He dosent like to be held. Ive learned that over time. He might let you pick him up and cary him but he dosent want to be held. so i dont hold him. i might cary him to the living room or move him off of or away from something but i dont hold him. I wouldnt force him to let me hold him. I dont think Jude was good for him. He's very anxious. fast movement and loud noise freaks him out. Hes a very calm and mellow cat. I dont think Jude knows how to read anyone at all.
Im angry that my mom bought my brother a brand new iphone way back when he wasent even supposed to have one and i still have an almost 3 year old phone that isnt even working properly. but thats just another thing to be petty about.
my laptop has a virus. tons of things crash, lag, and run slow on my mac. and my phone wont load any pictures that werent taken or saved that day.
Andrew stopped by last night when i said i was feeling depressed. I think we all try to help others in the way that we would want to be helped. I try to help by talking to them online and just listening. Giving very minimal help and just being someone to vent to and to validate your emotions cause thats what i want. When im feeling sad i just kinda want someone to listen and give words of encouragement. "yeah i know that sucks but i promise its gonna be okay." but i almost always wanna do that online. I dont mind in person physical comfort but i open up more and vent better over text.
Andrew, i think, wants someone to be there in person to sit with him. That why i think he showed up to my house at 1am to give me a hug and sit with me till 2. i appreciated the thought but i always feel embarrassed and try to stop my emotions when someone is there.
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