2:03pm January 5th 2019
Theres things i dont even want to talk about here.
I dont wanna tell anyone i hung out with Tayla yesterday even without Ashton (something i honestly thought i wouldnt do). I dont wanna talk about the fact that i kinda spilled a lot of shit out to Tayla last night. Told her about my plan to kill myself if i didnt graduate my senior year. told her about Luis and my family troubles and my grandparent selling all the land. Hell i even told her about this blog witch i havent even told Ashton, Kristen, Zoe, or Frost about. The four people i trust the MOST with my mental health issues. I told her about my self harm and about starting and quitting therapy and being sent to the hospital and about my plan to start my recovery again this year. She asked what really happend senior year. I said it was stress and mental health. I didnt say that it was because i had some friends that thought she was weird and so i stopped wanting to hang out with her. or that i felt uncomfortable after her and Mira broke up and she attempted to use me as a rebound. I didnt tell her that she was kinda weird and got on my nerves sometimes. I just said that i was being a bad friend to a lot of people. Witch was true i guess. And i even talked about Luis and all the shit that went down with him. I was very open about a lot of things yesterday.
Gross.
I talked to my dad about how shitty my relationship was with my family at different points in life. I talked to him about trauma that came with things he didnt even remember doing that have stuck with me for YEARS. Some thing i dont even like to call trauma cause i know other kids have delt with things WAY worse. I talked to him about the fact that i dont even see my mom as a mom. Just someone that has that title that will text me every few weeks and we might go get lunch or run to Target. About Dan's weird grooming tactics and how he makes me uncomfortable when he does things like touching my shoulders or my back. He's touched my butt before too but i left that out.
Maybe i shouldnt have. I dont know if i wanna talk to my mom about it or not...
No use in kicking up more drama in that house then there already is. Besides he's my boss and he puts up with my shit like being late all the time and i think if i tell my mom that he's acting like a creep then i could face consequences at work. I think he likes having that power. So by not telling my mom because it could affect my job he's getting his way or whatever. I can put up with it. Ignore it. Avoid him when im not around Peggy or something. Im hoping to have a new job or something some day anyways. I dont wanna go to college though. I went to one semester and i just dont wanna go back. I wish my dad was as cool with that as Taylas dad is... But my dad thinks that if im not going to college i need to be working a full time job and moving out.
fuck that.
I wanna get an RV and take off. Just me, June, and Bed Cat. I feel so empty today and i feel regretful for being so OPEN yesterday.
Back onto that i openly talked about Luis and I and how i was terrible to him. We went to the Walmart that he goes to. Every time im there i get really anxious that he'll be there even if its completely unlikely and unreasonable.
Tayla let me smoke some weed before we went but i took like 2 hits and didnt get high at all so there was really no point. I honestly wanna just sit down smoke some and kinda chill but when i used to smoke it made me jittery and made my thoughts really loud. Id jut sit there silently zoned out. I couldn't tell if i liked it or not tbh. I dont know. I guess if i ever smoked regularly (witch i wont ever do) i would just chill out but i dont and i wont so ill probably always become a jittery mess when im high. I miss smoking with Miles though. I miss Miles in general. I care about him a lot. Sometimes i get worried cause i know we arent that close anymore and i get worried that he might not be doing well mentally.
i haven't been doing well mentally. I feel fucking sad. in different ways too.
like sure i feel sad emotionally. But i also feel sad as in pathetic. like im a sad sack of shit. and i am.
i know it..
I dont wanna tell anyone i hung out with Tayla yesterday even without Ashton (something i honestly thought i wouldnt do). I dont wanna talk about the fact that i kinda spilled a lot of shit out to Tayla last night. Told her about my plan to kill myself if i didnt graduate my senior year. told her about Luis and my family troubles and my grandparent selling all the land. Hell i even told her about this blog witch i havent even told Ashton, Kristen, Zoe, or Frost about. The four people i trust the MOST with my mental health issues. I told her about my self harm and about starting and quitting therapy and being sent to the hospital and about my plan to start my recovery again this year. She asked what really happend senior year. I said it was stress and mental health. I didnt say that it was because i had some friends that thought she was weird and so i stopped wanting to hang out with her. or that i felt uncomfortable after her and Mira broke up and she attempted to use me as a rebound. I didnt tell her that she was kinda weird and got on my nerves sometimes. I just said that i was being a bad friend to a lot of people. Witch was true i guess. And i even talked about Luis and all the shit that went down with him. I was very open about a lot of things yesterday.
Gross.
I talked to my dad about how shitty my relationship was with my family at different points in life. I talked to him about trauma that came with things he didnt even remember doing that have stuck with me for YEARS. Some thing i dont even like to call trauma cause i know other kids have delt with things WAY worse. I talked to him about the fact that i dont even see my mom as a mom. Just someone that has that title that will text me every few weeks and we might go get lunch or run to Target. About Dan's weird grooming tactics and how he makes me uncomfortable when he does things like touching my shoulders or my back. He's touched my butt before too but i left that out.
Maybe i shouldnt have. I dont know if i wanna talk to my mom about it or not...
No use in kicking up more drama in that house then there already is. Besides he's my boss and he puts up with my shit like being late all the time and i think if i tell my mom that he's acting like a creep then i could face consequences at work. I think he likes having that power. So by not telling my mom because it could affect my job he's getting his way or whatever. I can put up with it. Ignore it. Avoid him when im not around Peggy or something. Im hoping to have a new job or something some day anyways. I dont wanna go to college though. I went to one semester and i just dont wanna go back. I wish my dad was as cool with that as Taylas dad is... But my dad thinks that if im not going to college i need to be working a full time job and moving out.
fuck that.
I wanna get an RV and take off. Just me, June, and Bed Cat. I feel so empty today and i feel regretful for being so OPEN yesterday.
Back onto that i openly talked about Luis and I and how i was terrible to him. We went to the Walmart that he goes to. Every time im there i get really anxious that he'll be there even if its completely unlikely and unreasonable.
Tayla let me smoke some weed before we went but i took like 2 hits and didnt get high at all so there was really no point. I honestly wanna just sit down smoke some and kinda chill but when i used to smoke it made me jittery and made my thoughts really loud. Id jut sit there silently zoned out. I couldn't tell if i liked it or not tbh. I dont know. I guess if i ever smoked regularly (witch i wont ever do) i would just chill out but i dont and i wont so ill probably always become a jittery mess when im high. I miss smoking with Miles though. I miss Miles in general. I care about him a lot. Sometimes i get worried cause i know we arent that close anymore and i get worried that he might not be doing well mentally.
i haven't been doing well mentally. I feel fucking sad. in different ways too.
like sure i feel sad emotionally. But i also feel sad as in pathetic. like im a sad sack of shit. and i am.
i know it..
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