12:33am January 9th 2019
Today dosent feel real and i wish i would wake up and realize it wasent.
Guess i can start with the dead cat.
Was in the garden today doing my job and a family came up to me and said that they found a dead cat. I told them thank you for letting me know and i road up to the office to get a trash bag. I asked Mary if she knew who its owner might be and she said no. I went and got the shovel and put the cat in the trash bag and put it in the back of the golf cart. I drove back up to the office and asked Robin if she knew who the cats owner might be. She also said no. I asked her what i should do and she told me to just let Dan deal with it. When Dan got back from lunch i asked him what we should do. If we should ask around see who owns it. He said no and that we would just bury it. But i didnt feel settled. So i called my dad and asked him what he thought. He also said we should just bury it. But if they were just gonna bury it i had other plans. I was gonna head out to the tractor supply and buy some live catch traps and put the cat in there. Let it decompose in the woods till next winter and put the skeleton together. But after getting it home and set up something just still didnt feel right. This wasent some mangy stray. This was a cat that seemed clean and well fed and had sneaked off to die in a ditch in the garden the night before. This was someones pet. Ive spent most the evening watching June and Bedcat and thinking about the dead cat in my back yard. If one of them snuck off and someone found them, dead or alive, i would want to know. I would want to bury my pet and gain closure. I wouldnt want some selfish teenager that i dont know to just take my pets dead body and watch it rot so that they can keep it as a decoration or conversation piece. I think Thursday ill see if Kristen will go around with me to see if the cat belongs to anyone. If we find its owner i think that ill tell them that i have the cat and that i will bring it by Friday. If they arent home ill leave a sticky note asking them to call me if its their cat in their mail box. If i dont find an owner then i might keep it.
I can talk about having lunch with Kristen and Logan today too.
That was... weird. Dont know what was the weirdest part about it. The fact that Kristen had a hickey. How seeing that felt wrong for whatever reason. The fact that im still fucking terrified of third wheeling and being pushed to the background and not mattering as much even though i know Kristen isnt Cassie. The way Logan looks so much like Miles and the way he looks at Kristen is the same way i remember Miles looking at me and i miss it. Ive only ever dated one person. Miles. Ive only ever kissed one person. Miles. I care about Miles but i think he's the only connection ive had like that. Its probably why i think i miss him. Seeing Kristen with Logan feels ood. Im still jealous of Logan. And i think im jealous of Kristen too.
My gross bad terrible brain says "distance yourself so far from anyone that they forget all about you. Dont do college. Just work and talk to people on the internet until you kill yourself." I dont wanna do that. But it feels so appealing.
Work. Come home. Sit on my computer. Talk to my dad. Never leave the house. Give it about a year. Swallow a fuck ton of pills before 2020.
I dont wanna do college. Not cause i hate it. Cause i dont want people to spend all that money just for me to die and it all to go to waste.
Guess i can start with the dead cat.
Was in the garden today doing my job and a family came up to me and said that they found a dead cat. I told them thank you for letting me know and i road up to the office to get a trash bag. I asked Mary if she knew who its owner might be and she said no. I went and got the shovel and put the cat in the trash bag and put it in the back of the golf cart. I drove back up to the office and asked Robin if she knew who the cats owner might be. She also said no. I asked her what i should do and she told me to just let Dan deal with it. When Dan got back from lunch i asked him what we should do. If we should ask around see who owns it. He said no and that we would just bury it. But i didnt feel settled. So i called my dad and asked him what he thought. He also said we should just bury it. But if they were just gonna bury it i had other plans. I was gonna head out to the tractor supply and buy some live catch traps and put the cat in there. Let it decompose in the woods till next winter and put the skeleton together. But after getting it home and set up something just still didnt feel right. This wasent some mangy stray. This was a cat that seemed clean and well fed and had sneaked off to die in a ditch in the garden the night before. This was someones pet. Ive spent most the evening watching June and Bedcat and thinking about the dead cat in my back yard. If one of them snuck off and someone found them, dead or alive, i would want to know. I would want to bury my pet and gain closure. I wouldnt want some selfish teenager that i dont know to just take my pets dead body and watch it rot so that they can keep it as a decoration or conversation piece. I think Thursday ill see if Kristen will go around with me to see if the cat belongs to anyone. If we find its owner i think that ill tell them that i have the cat and that i will bring it by Friday. If they arent home ill leave a sticky note asking them to call me if its their cat in their mail box. If i dont find an owner then i might keep it.
I can talk about having lunch with Kristen and Logan today too.
That was... weird. Dont know what was the weirdest part about it. The fact that Kristen had a hickey. How seeing that felt wrong for whatever reason. The fact that im still fucking terrified of third wheeling and being pushed to the background and not mattering as much even though i know Kristen isnt Cassie. The way Logan looks so much like Miles and the way he looks at Kristen is the same way i remember Miles looking at me and i miss it. Ive only ever dated one person. Miles. Ive only ever kissed one person. Miles. I care about Miles but i think he's the only connection ive had like that. Its probably why i think i miss him. Seeing Kristen with Logan feels ood. Im still jealous of Logan. And i think im jealous of Kristen too.
My gross bad terrible brain says "distance yourself so far from anyone that they forget all about you. Dont do college. Just work and talk to people on the internet until you kill yourself." I dont wanna do that. But it feels so appealing.
Work. Come home. Sit on my computer. Talk to my dad. Never leave the house. Give it about a year. Swallow a fuck ton of pills before 2020.
I dont wanna do college. Not cause i hate it. Cause i dont want people to spend all that money just for me to die and it all to go to waste.
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