10:54pm January 13th 2019
Draining is the only way i can describe this past week. I feel tonight alone ive been teetering on a breakdown since i got in Kristens car.
Jealousy is such a disgusting feeling. And seeing Kristen and Logan get to be all mushy and lovey-dovey almost makes me feel sick. Im proud of her i think. But i feel this gross feeling inside every time she mentions Logan. I dont think ive spent time with her that wasent interrupted by him in some way. Its this fear of fading to the background. Its past memories from Cassie and the fact that ive never found anyone to love me. Or to hold hands with or kiss. And seeing Kristen find that when she was someone i kinds leaned on as my best friend who also was never in relationships it feels so weird always spending time with them. I miss spending time with JUST my best friend. I know thats really selfish. But ive been known for being selfish before.
My brain feels so loud and all i want to do is take something and cut into my fucking arms. Arms are so hard to hide but i need to dig into them. Three days since i last hurt myself but it was only scratches that time. Gotta do it right.
I feel unlovable.
I feel disgusting.
Im a bad friend.
I just wanna slip out of consciousness for a long time. As long as i can.
I want to die. But i dont wanna go to heaven or hell. I just wanna stop existing.
And i ordered a print today of a decaying rat and theres a line written on it that reads "Are you in there? Is it like sleeping? Quieter?"
I want to sleep. I want the quiet. Its so tempting but the uncertainty of having to continue on to anything at all keeps me here.
Maybe someone would find me quickly and id be sent back to the hospital. Maybe they'd keep me there for months and i could refuse to see anyone i knew for a few weeks. Eventually i could only agree to see Kristen. Then maybe my dad or brother. I would want to see Miles. I want to see him now. Being around his brother makes me miss him. A lot. He knows what its like. I hope he's okay. I miss him.
Jealousy is such a disgusting feeling. And seeing Kristen and Logan get to be all mushy and lovey-dovey almost makes me feel sick. Im proud of her i think. But i feel this gross feeling inside every time she mentions Logan. I dont think ive spent time with her that wasent interrupted by him in some way. Its this fear of fading to the background. Its past memories from Cassie and the fact that ive never found anyone to love me. Or to hold hands with or kiss. And seeing Kristen find that when she was someone i kinds leaned on as my best friend who also was never in relationships it feels so weird always spending time with them. I miss spending time with JUST my best friend. I know thats really selfish. But ive been known for being selfish before.
My brain feels so loud and all i want to do is take something and cut into my fucking arms. Arms are so hard to hide but i need to dig into them. Three days since i last hurt myself but it was only scratches that time. Gotta do it right.
I feel unlovable.
I feel disgusting.
Im a bad friend.
I just wanna slip out of consciousness for a long time. As long as i can.
I want to die. But i dont wanna go to heaven or hell. I just wanna stop existing.
And i ordered a print today of a decaying rat and theres a line written on it that reads "Are you in there? Is it like sleeping? Quieter?"
I want to sleep. I want the quiet. Its so tempting but the uncertainty of having to continue on to anything at all keeps me here.
Maybe someone would find me quickly and id be sent back to the hospital. Maybe they'd keep me there for months and i could refuse to see anyone i knew for a few weeks. Eventually i could only agree to see Kristen. Then maybe my dad or brother. I would want to see Miles. I want to see him now. Being around his brother makes me miss him. A lot. He knows what its like. I hope he's okay. I miss him.
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