12:07am February 1st 2019
I dont know why i decide to trigger myself every so often.
Its like i get really fucking sad all on my own and i decide that for some fucking reason the best fucking thing to do is to find content that contains suicide/self-harm/depression that i can relate to and consume the hell out of it. The more detailed the better.
The more triggering the content the better.
I trigger myself and i think about dying. Jumping. Shooting myself. Overdose. Hanging.
I think id do it but im scared that hell is real.
so i cant.
i wish that i KNEW hell wasent real for a fact.
fuck.
I trigger myself to the point of considering going through with it.
The medicine closet is right beside my room and we have so. many. pills.
There is a great bridge i went to spray paint about my mental illness at. Theres the dam too that might be tall enough to get the job done. None as reliable as a good tall hotel or apartment would be. somewhere i could access the roof too. i think worst case i hit the ground and slowly die there in agony.
I cant tell that to a therapist. Theyll send me to the hospital and i cant miss classes. Work i dont care about missing anymore.
All this shit about Dan smacking my ass has gotten everyone bent out of shape. And i dont wanna take legal action but i feel so weird about working with Dan.
I set some requests that id like people to consider. Things like...
-Me not working or being alone with Dan
-Dan not talking to me out side of professional matter as a boss
-Me working the same hours as Peggy for a few weeks till things smooth out and im comfortable.
Its just been stressful and i was starting to wish that i hadnt talked to my mom about it because i thought Peggy had talked to Dan and that the problem was solved but apparently she hadent so now i dont know if im glad that i talked to my mom or not. Cause i seems an awful lot like shes taking Dans side and just saying that shes on my side when im there so she dosent make me angry or anything.
Constantly trying to make Dan look better. He's a 60+ year old man sexually harassing a 19 y/o girl. Not just some random girl either.... his wifes daughter.
It all started with him forcing me to let him kiss my cheek every day. For some reason the cheek kisses piss me off more than the times he would smack the back of my thigh or touch the small of my back or grab my shoulders.
My mom wants to defend Dan.
My dad wants me to either go back to work or find a new job asap. I wanted to take off work till Friday but i couldnt do that. I was fine to go in Thursday because Dan was gone and Peggy was there and my mom wanted to talk to her.
I also got to see the Mormon sisters before transfers next week. Its always sad to see them leave too.
Its like i get really fucking sad all on my own and i decide that for some fucking reason the best fucking thing to do is to find content that contains suicide/self-harm/depression that i can relate to and consume the hell out of it. The more detailed the better.
The more triggering the content the better.
I trigger myself and i think about dying. Jumping. Shooting myself. Overdose. Hanging.
I think id do it but im scared that hell is real.
so i cant.
i wish that i KNEW hell wasent real for a fact.
fuck.
I trigger myself to the point of considering going through with it.
The medicine closet is right beside my room and we have so. many. pills.
There is a great bridge i went to spray paint about my mental illness at. Theres the dam too that might be tall enough to get the job done. None as reliable as a good tall hotel or apartment would be. somewhere i could access the roof too. i think worst case i hit the ground and slowly die there in agony.
I cant tell that to a therapist. Theyll send me to the hospital and i cant miss classes. Work i dont care about missing anymore.
All this shit about Dan smacking my ass has gotten everyone bent out of shape. And i dont wanna take legal action but i feel so weird about working with Dan.
I set some requests that id like people to consider. Things like...
-Me not working or being alone with Dan
-Dan not talking to me out side of professional matter as a boss
-Me working the same hours as Peggy for a few weeks till things smooth out and im comfortable.
Its just been stressful and i was starting to wish that i hadnt talked to my mom about it because i thought Peggy had talked to Dan and that the problem was solved but apparently she hadent so now i dont know if im glad that i talked to my mom or not. Cause i seems an awful lot like shes taking Dans side and just saying that shes on my side when im there so she dosent make me angry or anything.
Constantly trying to make Dan look better. He's a 60+ year old man sexually harassing a 19 y/o girl. Not just some random girl either.... his wifes daughter.
It all started with him forcing me to let him kiss my cheek every day. For some reason the cheek kisses piss me off more than the times he would smack the back of my thigh or touch the small of my back or grab my shoulders.
My mom wants to defend Dan.
My dad wants me to either go back to work or find a new job asap. I wanted to take off work till Friday but i couldnt do that. I was fine to go in Thursday because Dan was gone and Peggy was there and my mom wanted to talk to her.
I also got to see the Mormon sisters before transfers next week. Its always sad to see them leave too.
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